Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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