Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I want to fling myself into the sun
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
