I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
