I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
