I think i peed on brittanys purse
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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