I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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