The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
