i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
