ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
