this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
