Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
