Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
