It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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