We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize