I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
