He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
why does every cop we meet know your name?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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