I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
