so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize