So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
