Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
