and you said cock pushups were impossible
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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