so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
