at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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