Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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