I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
