So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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