Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
