Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
