i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
