Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
