Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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