Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
