I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Randomize
