My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
