So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
