Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
