Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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