Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
