Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
