so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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