they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
