I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
