If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You are a genius and a whore.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
