You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
