I met the friendliest cop last night
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
