Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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