I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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