I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
