I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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