i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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