What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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