id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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