I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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