I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
How does it feel to date your dad?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
