butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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