It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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