I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
