You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
