i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
