i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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