I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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