Will you blow on my dice?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
